It’s week ‘I stopped counting’ of COVID-19. Let’s have some fun with the words and phrases we have learned since early March.
Time to quarantine this cold weather and physically distance to an outbreak hot zone. Perhaps I could use my airfare voucher, future cruise credit and immunity passport and pack some PPE (personal protective equipment) like a bathing suit, iPod, flip flops and SPF 50. While away, I will enroll in a clinical trial to test the safety and efficacy of rum-infused oral ‘medications’ and plan to remain asymptomatic through any resulting hangover.
I hope that each morning the only #Covidiot or morona to contend with is the towel and lounger hog. This would be a magical place where a face mask is truly a spa treatment, N-95 means that the bingo-caller is simply confused, and when folks ask your occupation you can respond, “armchair epidemiologist.” Trip advisor or cruise critic reviews would rave about a pandemic of sunshine, live music, fine food, and great wine.
Back here in the reality of my zoom-room (aka: home office), fleeceware scams and Zoom-bombers have pushed me to change some on-line passwords. Thankfully, medical terms like azithromycin, hydroxychloroquine, remdesivir and modified-RNA sprinkled with the odd &, #, ! and @ make for very strong passwords for my Amazon, Netflix and newsfeed accounts.
Speaking of newsfeeds, I am now addicted to doom-scrolling, where one searches coronaggedon and coronapocalypse stories for hours at a time. I should really make an appointment with my doctor for next Blursday to see if he can prescribe an antiviral or vaccinate me for this condition.
Worse still, I’ve forgotten how to fill my gas tank. In addition, any trip outside my comfy COVID-shelter requires a shave and shedding my pajamas. Also, my schedule is also very full of make believe quaranteam calls (since I’m between gigs) and a daily appointment at locktail hour where visits to the isobar for a quarantini are an important calming ritual.
Finally, we’ve all learned a new dance as we avoid each other during our walks but the jury is still out on its name: coronawaltz, coronadodge and the covid-shuffle are the leading candidates. Be safe, be well.