There are many things they don’t teach or tell you when you are in your 30s and 40s that would be good to know later in life. One of those things is how to deal with your parents as they near the end of their lives.

I consider myself extremely fortunate. Both of my parents passed away in their sleep from natural causes. My mother was 81 and my dad was 90. My dad took care of my mother’s estate after she passed and he pre-arranged his own funeral while making sure all the Ts were crossed and the Is dotted when it came to his estate.

Unfortunately, many of my friends have not been as fortunate.

Neither of my parents had dementia, although both of my grandmothers did. Both my maternal and paternal grandmothers lived with Alzheimer’s well into their 90s.

When my mother started losing the ability to take care of herself, my father became her primary caregiver while they lived together under the same roof. He would carry her to the bathroom, change her, bathe her etc. It took a terrible physical toll on him. He started having all sorts of problems with his shoulders and knees.

The obvious solution was to check my mother into an extended care home, but as anyone with aging parents who need extended care knows, that’s easier said than done and can often take months, if not years.

Fortunately, in our case, it only took a couple of months and mother eventually ended up at the St. Patrick’s long-term care facility near Mooney’s Bay where she remained until her passing in 2013.

Dad eventually moved into the Rockcliffe Retirement Residence where he stayed for a couple of before moving to the Viva retire-ment community in Barrhaven to be closer to my sister. He remained there until his passing in 2022.

But like I said, our family was fortunate. Neither of my parents had dementia and they had the resources to move into a retirement home where their needs were looked after.

A lot of people, including several friends are mind have not been so fortunate.

One of the biggest concerns as our parents get older, especially when they move into their 70s and 80s is dementia, including Alzheimer’s .

Dementia is a horrible affliction. It ranks right up there with ALS. But as devastating as ALS can be, it doesn’t last nearly as long as dementia can. Some people can live with dementia for 10 years or more. Alzheimer’s can afflict a person for up to 20 years.

One of the symptoms of dementia is aggressive or violent behaviour. The parent you always remembered as being caring and nurturing may slowly evolve into a mean-spirited, angry person especially around strangers or caregivers who aren’t family members.

I once had a friend who used to get called in the middle of the night to come get his father who had become violent with the staff at the facility he was staying at. On two of those occasions, he had to find a new facility which would take his dad. In the meantime, he had to care for him himself in his own home which he was not equipped for. I remember he once called me in tears not knowing what to do or how to cope. I told him that in the end, all you can do is your best.

Another issue that is far too common is an unwillingness on the part of an aging parent to make the necessary arrangements should their health take a turn for the worse.

We all need to at least prepare a will in case we’re no longer here for whatever reason. And the older we get the more important a will becomes.

The last thing anyone wants is for a parent to pass away or become mentally incapacitated before at least having written a will and naming their future executor and the individual(s) they want to exercise power of attorney. This is especially true when one parent has already passed, and your loved one is the lone surviving parent.

Nothing is worse, or has the potentially for severe mental anguish than for a sole surviving parent to die without having prepared a will. When that happens in Ontario, the estate is divided equally between any surviving children after all the taxes and lawyers are paid. Things can quickly go sideways, however, if one of the siblings decides they want to contest the division of the belongings and property.

All of which to say we need to be prepared for when things take a turn for the worse, as they inevitably will. Talk to your parents about potentially having to move to a retirement community or a seniors’ home, and for goodness’ sake, talk to them about the importance of preparing a will while they still have the mental capacity to do so.

(If you wish to comment on this or any other View Point column please write to Fred Sherwin at fsherwin@orleansstar.ca)